How Do You Measure Success?

I was recently invited to be a guest on a collegue’s radio show. My initial reaction was why me? She ran through my list of “accomplishments” but my insecurities continued to push through and I thought: “There must be some misunderstanding. Yes, I am a social worker. Yes, I have my own business. But, am I successful?”

Society tends to equate success with power and wealth. I have a consulting business not a Fortune 500 Company. I hardly consider my coop apartment a real estate investment. The car that I drive (when it’s drivable) is not the top of the line. I have yet to make my first million or travel the world. When I was a child, I definitely envisioned a different picture of what I would have by the ripe old age of thirty than I now have at thirty-something. Does this mean that I am not successful?

The answer depends on how you measure success. I am a firm believer that the meaning of success is subjective. The late Michael Jackson had a performing career that spanded over four decades, broke several industry records, and was probably the most well known person in the entire world. But still there are many critics who would attack his character and I am sure he himself at times questioned his own success.

So if success is subjective, how do we measure it? Simply put, your measure of success should be based on goals that you set for yourself. I have been guilty of doubting my own success because I have looked at my list of goals (Yes, I actually have a list.) and there are many things left unchecked. However, a friend and collegue reminded me of something very important. While you continue to set and strive for your goals, it’s important to remember this:

Do not focus on the things that you have yet to do but instead on the things you have already accomplished. That is the real measure of success.

Building Your Child’s Confidence

Confidence is a major determining factor in the choices that we make beginning in childhood and going all the way into adulthood. A confident adult was most likely a confident child just as an adult lacking confidence probably struggled with self-confidence as a child. Raising a child who is confident is necessary for preparing him for a successful adult life.  Here are few tips for building your child’s self-esteem:

First you must believe

Children often learn from nonverbal cues. If you are doubtful or anxious, your child senses this and often feels similar doubt and anxiety. Feel confident about your child’s endeavors and he is likely to feel the same.

Offer encouraging words

Your child needs to know that he is supported and loved unconditionally. He will be more willing to take risks if he knows that you will be there even if he does not succeed.

Avoid Scolding without an explanation

Your child must understand that you do not agree with specific behaviors rather than feeling as though he is the object of your disappointment. Your child will be less willing to try something challenging if they fear that they will disappoint their parents

Reward positive behavior

A little praise goes a long way. Don’t forget to let your child know when he does something that you are proud of.

Encourage extracurricular activities

Repetition builds confidence. Activities such as sports or creative arts help your child learn the rewards of trying hard.

Lead by example

As the saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words.” You are your child’s primary role model. If you approach challenges with confidence, your child is likely to do the same.

Specifically for Parents

    Do you ever have one of those moments when you ask yourself, “What was I thinking when I decided to have children?”  Do you ever wonder what you have gotten yourself into or if you only knew then what you knew now? 

     As a mother of three, I have had several of those moments.  They usually hit me at times like when I am at the supermarket and they start pointing, whining and begging for the box of cereal that is covered in sugar, costs about $7.00, and lasts about 2 days.  And no they don’t all want to eat the same cereal, but each has to have his/her favorite.  Then after shopping for an hour, I have to stand on line for another 30 minutes because I have way too much for the express line only to hear more whining about how long the line is.  Someone always has to use the bathroom even though I told all of them to go before leaving home.  My two year old is trying to climb out of the shopping cart so he can run around through the crowds while my nine year old and ten year old are screaming and pushing each other because one “accidentally” stepped on the other’s foot.  Then top that off with a $200.00 grocery bill for food that barely lasts a week.  Let’s not even talk about the time it takes to load and unload the car with the groceries that I bought.  Yes, these are the joys of parenthood.

     I remember when a good friend of mine first posed the question to me, “Do you like your children?”  I was confused and wondered if it were a trick question.  She then explained, “You know I love my children, but I really don’t like them sometimes.”  I was dumbfounded but impressed by her honesty.  At the time, I had no other friends with children and had gotten all of my parenting advice from books and magazines that glorify being a parent.  I harbored similar feeling but was never able to admit them to even myself. 

     Don’t get me wrong, I feel blessed and honored to have my children in my life and they motivate me to strive for the best because I wouldn’t want them to have anything less, but being a parent is not always glorious.  There are many moments, hours, and even days that are absolutely trying.  And what you don’t often read in the magazines and books is that during those times, you feel frustrated, exhausted, incompetent, and yes even resentful and all of that is completely normal.  We don’t get along with our friends, spouses, or siblings all of the time so why are we expected to do so with our children.  This is not to say that it is okay to take your frustration out on your children verbally or physically but that you should know that there are going to be some dark moments and before you can cope with these moments you have to be able to first acknowledge them and not feel guilty doing so. 

     With that said, I modified my general list of stress management techniques to develop tips that can be specifically helpful to parents:

• Take care of you.  This is by no means being selfish.  You have to make sure you are at your best to be able to be strong for your children even if it means leaving them with a sitter/family member to engage in an activity that brings you pleasure, i.e. catching a movie, going to a social event, getting a manicure/pedicure.
• Remember to have fun.  Parenting isn’t all about scheduling and disciplining.  Schedule family time so that you and children are able to enjoy each other.
• Don’t over-extend yourself- it’s okay to say no sometimes and delegating tasks at home not only helps you but teaches your children responsible behavior, even the little ones can chip in.
• Utilize you support network.  Connect with other parents and develop a network where you can give and receive both physical and emotional support

Stress and Serenity

Many people ask the question, “How do I eliminate stress in my life?”  The simple answer is that you don’t.   Stress is an important element in our lives and it helps drive us towards change.  Though stressors can often become overwhelming, they are not always avoidable.  This is where the well-known, Serenity Prayer holds true:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

Many people experience stress at work and think that a change in jobs/employers is the answer.  But be careful.  If you are stressed at work because you have difficulty managing your time, that stress will follow you even when you change careers.  Having to deal with deadlines at work is something that probably will not change no matter where you work.  But learning better time management techniques is an element you can change.  The key is to identify your stressors and determine which are avoidable and make a corrective plan of action to avoid stress-provoking situations. 

How I Utilized My Support Network to Cope with Stress

     When I talk about stress management, I usually refer to day-to-day stressors like missing your train, or dealing with an irate client at work.   But this past week has been particularly trying for me and many of my colleagues because we experienced an acute stressor with the sudden and unexpected passing of a co-worker.  While, bereavement is a somewhat separate issue, I felt the need to discuss how a tragic loss contributes to our experience of stress and how we can utilize our support networks to cope with it.

I want to start by sharing with you an admission of my own flaws as a person who struggles to deal with her emotions.  I first received the news as I was walking into the office on Monday morning.  I was definitely taken aback but for some reason unable to show it.  I verbally expressed remorse but I refrained from showing any sign of emotion.  Then, when I felt the emotion swelling inside and knew that it could not be held back anymore, my reaction was to flee and hide.  I quickly went into my office, shut my door and cried.  I got angry at myself for not being able to control my emotions though I new that my response was normal.  Knowing the power of peer support, I wanted so much to reach out to my other coworkers as I knew that they must have been experiencing similar feelings but I couldn’t let them see me crying.  I rationalized that I couldn’t be supportive if I was falling apart and I didn’t want to put the burden on anyone else to have to console me because it is my job to be the supporter. 

After about an hour, I was able pull myself together and talk to my staff who I felt like I abandoned by not reaching out to them sooner to show my support.  We shared our feelings of shock, remorse, sadness, concern for our co-worker’s family, and brainstormed about how we could reach out to them.  Though I was able to share my thoughts, I continued to mask my feelings until a co-worker came along and unexpectedly gave me a hug.  That simple gesture triggered a flood of emotion that was so strong, it was uncontrollable.  She and another coworker both consoled me.  I don’t remember their exact words but I do remember that their compassion allowed me to finally feel safe and express my emotions openly.  I realized that I had been trying to suppress my feelings and by doing so I was not reducing my stress level but holding on to it.  As a mental health clinician, I know that one of the best ways to handle a crisis is to elicit support. 

This brief encounter allowed me to let out what I had been trying so hard to hold back and then gather the strength to become pro-active and resume my role as a supporter.  We reached out to other colleagues who had also been hiding behind their closed doors to let them know that they were not alone in what they were experiencing.

At the end of the day, our colleagues decided to gather together to say a prayer.  Though   I am not a deeply religious person, this was truly a beautiful experience for me.  My co-worker’s words were perfect in resonating what I and I am sure others were feeling but unable verbalize.  My initial reaction was again to hold back and fight the tears but her words were too deep and too truthful for me to allow myself to display emotions that were anything less than deep and truthful.  I allowed myself to cry and soon realized that I was not crying alone.  It was such a touching experience to be part of a large group of people who could put their differences aside and come together and be both supported and supportive. 

Managing Stress

Stress is a normal part of everyday life.  It can have positive effects such as motivating us towards progress or aiding our response to danger.  But as we all know, too much stress also takes a negative toll on our bodies.  These effects can be mental, such as depression, or physical, such as headaches, gastric problems, or even heart disease.  Here are some tips to help reduce stress in your life:

• Take a few minutes of “me” time–listen to music, reada book, exercise, or just sit quietly.
• Have fun–connect with family, friends, or join a social group or support group.
• Get some rest–sleep 6-8 hours a night and take regular breaks during the day, and plan restful activities during your vacation time.
• Don’t over-extend yourself–it’s okay to say no sometimes or even ask others for help when you are overwhelmed. 

It would be nice to find out what stress relievers do/don’t work for you or to hear some stories about how you implemented some of these stress-reducing techniques in your life.  Let’s help each other stay healthy.